That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
The first time I rocked my daughter to sleep and opened my mouth to sing her a lullaby, I had a brilliant revelation. I didn't know any lullabies. Seriously. In that moment, not one came to mind. So I sang the first song that did, and that was "Amazing Grace." The tempo and comfortable melody worked, and she was out. From that point forward, "Amazing Grace" was her bedtime song, so much so that by the age of 3, she was singing it with me. I felt like I had found the sweet spot of parenting.
'Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
I had placed my faith in Christ for salvation in my elementary years, and that faith grew steadily during high school and college. I loved Jesus. I trusted Him, trusted His Word, was certain of its truth. I struggled with perfectionism and self-image issues, but was perfectly confident that deep down, Jesus was all I needed, and that He would be with me and carry me through anything.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
When my daughter was nearly a year old, we found out we were expecting again. We did not realize how precious the next several months would prove to be, however. At 18 weeks of pregnancy, our sweet Naomi passed away as a result of an abdominal infection raging inside of me. Two more losses, Kyria at 8 weeks and Jordan at 4 weeks, would follow over the next fourteen months. I clung to the faith of my childhood, but at the same time struggled with my prior concept of a Savior who would protect me and the ones I loved from serious harm. What had gone wrong?
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
I learned to trust God anew over the months following Naomi's death in particular. I dug into the Scriptures, desperate for anything they would tell me about my babies and about my God. I learned much from the Psalms, from Job, and from the book of Ruth about suffering, and grief, and God's sovereignty. And from Psalm 139, especially, God painted a word picture for me of the love and tenderness He directed toward my babies...and to me. His Word gave me hope, enabled me to trust His will, and to find the good in life again, and in God.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
I am completely confident that the three babes I carried for such a brief time on Earth are in the presence of God in Heaven right now, fully possessing that life of joy and peace that Jesus had in mind when, "for the joy set before Him, He endured the cross" (Hebrew 12:2). And, more than that, I am confident that when my time on Earth is done, I will be with them - but more importantly, I will be with God. Not because of anything good within me, but because I am trusting in Jesus' death on the cross to forgive my sins and to make me right with God. The same joy and peace that my children enjoy awaits me...someday.
When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.
It seems impossible sometimes that nearly five years has passed since I began on the road of Loss. And yet, in the light of eternity, it is nothing. Less than nothing. A lifetime is just a moment compared to the vastness of Forever with God. When I am finally there, ten thousand years will seem like no time at all, and all that time still in front of us, to sing God's praise, to experience His love, to enjoy the presence of loved ones, to know beauty and love like never before.
Is there a song that fits your life journey? Tell me about it!
I'm linking up with Kirsten Oliphant, responding to her prompt, "SONG".