Since today is Monday, and I've assigned myself to write on Motherhood on Mondays, I'll start with an update.
I've had a baby.
Seriously. Our son was born over two months ago, and we are head over heels in love. And in awe that God has mercifully allowed us this child-after-loss, this "rainbow baby". My husband never doubted that we would have another child, but I did. I was convinced that L. would be an "only" and I had accepted it in my heart, and begun thinking how to make the absolute best out of that, including starting a website, Uni-Kids for Christ, for those wanting to raise an only child to the glory of the Lord. And for the nine months leading up to his birth, I held my breath, not quite believing that this time would be different.
Now, I'm back to diapering, nursing, and sleeping in shorter stretches than my body would like - and this at the age of 40-something! And I am absolutely loving it.
I love waking up to a baby's cries. I love the smell of baby diapers (yes, really). I love giving my son a bath. I love seeing my daughter hold him and hearing her sing him the songs that we have sung to her since infancy. I love talking with my husband about getting the children (plural) ready for church. I love planning my daily activities and errands around when the baby will be hungry again. I love seeing the pride in my daughter's eyes when she talks with people about her baby brother.
I still have moments of sadness, missing my other babies, especially Naomi. Realizing anew, in the midst of all of the newborn stuff, how much I missed when we lost each of them. But as another friend on this road of loss has expressed it, this blessing, this life, is a balm to my soul.
And I am utterly overwhelmed by this expression of God's mercy and grace.
Would I have been okay if God's answer to the cry of my heart had been a loving, "No, my daughter"? Would He still have been good, and loving, and merciful?
But thank you, Father, this time, for saying "yes".